Transcript
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Today on Baseball Coaches Unplugged, you'll learn the parents' perspective of the emotional journey that dads go through transitioning from coaching their son in youth and travel baseball to turning it over to the high school coaches.
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How parents can have a positive or negative impact on their son's relationship with their high school coach, and why it's important to sit in the stands and just be supportive.
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With former team chiropractor of the Denver Broncos and author of Outside the Fence, Dr.
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JT Anderson, next on Baseball Coaches Unplugged.
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This is the Ultimate High School Baseball Coaching Podcast, Baseball Coaches Unplugged, your go-to podcast for baseball coaching tips, drills, and player development strategies.
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The only podcast that showcases the best coaches from across the country.
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With your host, Coach Ken Carpenter.
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Hello and welcome to Baseball Coaches Unplugged.
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I'm your host, Coach Ken Carpenter.
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Hello and welcome to Baseball Coaches Unplugged.
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I'm your host, Coach Ken Carpenter.
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Joining me today is Dr.
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JT Anderson, author of Outside Defense.
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Doc, thanks for taking time to be on Baseball Coaches Unplugged.
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No, thank you for everything that you're doing for us.
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You know, and baseball has been something that's been part of my life for years and years, and I owe a lot to my father who uh coached me.
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Well, uh the one of the big things about bringing you on the podcast was you know, your book, Outside Defense.
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And um you you opened up you opened the book by talking uh about the identities and self-worth in being a coach.
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Can you share what it felt like the moment you realized your coaching days were basically over?
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And it was uh time to turn it over to the high school coaches.
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Yeah, so you know, for me, and like a lot of the dads listening to this, uh, and even moms, of course, you know, they start their their sons and daughters and t-ball, and they are on the inside, they're dressing like the the team as they progress, they do you know, events, they they are kind of part of the team, and there's this uh identity that's kind of wrapped up in being a coach.
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And for me, running a full-time sports chiropractic practice, I was always an assistant coach.
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And so I didn't have the heaviness of the head coaching opportunities, which is perfectly fine by me.
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I did that for one year and I realized how stressful it became.
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But as my son matured in his baseball and he started progressing, I started having more coaches help him out, where you know, my basically looking at myself, my job was kind of waning, if you will.
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And then when he made his way on into high school, you know, at that point, all of the dads that were coaching were no longer uh, you know, wanted on the field.
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In fact, we couldn't even watch him practice.
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So we were giving our pink slips, and that was a very emotional time for me because now I was on the outside of the fence looking in and realized that, you know, he is now on his own.
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He basically needed to kind of progress in his baseball career, and uh my job was just to mainly drop back and be a supporter and an encourager.
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So uh 10 other dads poured their heart and souls into this book.
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And uh, you know, again, I think we all can relate to being on the inside, and then when the time comes, we're on the outside, whether it's through Little League or professional, you know, there's a real drop, I think, in kind of how you feel.
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And, you know, it's very emotional, at least was for me.
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Well, when you step outside the fence for the first time and you're just a dad in the stands, what was the hardest part about not being able to coach your son?
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Because let me ask the reason I say that is because there are dads out there that they they don't let that go and they're still trying to coach from the stands.
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And I was in the same boat, Ken.
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Honestly, I remember when he made the freshman baseball team, he was um, I think uh number five as far as the batting order.
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And so I was watching the pitcher uh through the first three, and he was on deck, and I remember walking up to the fence itself as he was getting ready to go uh you know to bat, and I kind of coached him on what the pitcher was doing, and he kind of looked at me and he said, Dad, I got this.
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And at that point, I kind of walked back with my tail between the legs, sat with my wife, and I realized, all right, my time is over.
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Well, you mentioned that um when the the plug is pulled, dads have to decide how they're going to react.
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And um what are some questionable ways that in your experience that that uh fathers have uh you know responded to that situation that you've you know had a chance to watch.
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And what are some some warning signs to watch out for if you're a if you're a dad?
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Yeah, I think the warning signs are kind of being aloof.
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A lot of the dads that were on the inside of the fence, they would walk the fence lines all the way to the outfield.
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They would kind of almost be in a depressed mode, in fact.
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You know, they would just want to be by themselves.
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They might have, you know, another individual um coach that they would hang out with, but they didn't really want to sit in the bleachers, for instance.
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So the warning signs are kind of those dads that are just on the outskirts, and with that kind of breeds that depression and that loss of identity.
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Uh, I think what I learned very quickly was to surround myself with other like-minded men, for instance, and you know, confide in them and you know, just basically coach from the outside without interfering with the coaches on the inside.
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Now, in your experience, how can travel and youth coaches prepare themselves and their sons when they disagree with what the high school coaches are doing?
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Because that's the great thing about baseball.
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The uh, you know, you can sit in the stands or sit on your couch and you can always question whatever the manager or the head coach is doing.
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Yeah, you have to trust in the process and you have to let go.
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Once you start meddling, if you will, and I see too many moms and dads meddling in the coaches on the inside, there's this friction, and and who is basically left out to to dry, it's your son or daughter.
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And you know, you don't want to involve them because they're looking at you as a father, for instance, as a leader, somebody they can look up to.
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And, you know, if you're constantly, you know, ramroding the coach and the processes of it, that's gonna put doubt and dissension in your son or daughter.
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And I just don't think that's very healthy at all.
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Now, when you talk about you know doubting what what's going on with the the coaches uh and the the the game itself, uh the uh I've had parents ask me, you know, why did I schedule so uh play such a tough schedule?
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And uh they would be like yeah, we would I'd I'd rather like have a chance to win every game and uh you know and in baseball it it's tough.
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You you're not you're not gonna do that, but as a high school coach, you have to think, all right, I gotta do what's best to get my team prepared for the end of the season when the state tournament comes around.
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And sometimes parents would you know, I don't know how to say this, I guess uh would rather see the you know the team win or their son get more playing time than what's best for the team.
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And what are what are your thoughts on that?
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Well, I think the reality is is just like in business, baseball, any particular group event, there's always going to be those that are questioning and they're gonna wonder, you know, if not if their voice can't be heard.
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I mean, I sit and watch football, for instance, this afternoon, and I'm an armchair quarterback.
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I'm wondering why the coach would have run that particular play.
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What were they thinking?
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And I think you have to, here's how I look at it, coach.
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When you are a coach, you have to have the thickness of a rhinoceros, the skin of a rhinoceros.
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You have to have a heart of a lion, and you have to have the tenderness and compassionate compassion of a koala bear.
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You have to basically be able to learn your individual players because they have different languages that speak best to them.
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Some really enjoy that hard-nosed coach, others really appreciate just the accolades, uh, realizing that they're more than just a player, but they're a person.
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And, you know, with the parents, when they're constantly throwing these darts at you, you've got to let it deflect off of your armor, you know, your skin, if you will.
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So if you go in as a coach and you don't have that toughness of the skin, you're gonna take it personally, and nobody's gonna ever be perfectly happy with the way you coach.
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And I would just let you know, you know, that's okay.
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But if you find it too stressful, then maybe it's time to move from the inside of the vents to the outside.
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Yes.
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What as a parent have you experienced anything where you're like, wow, this parent or this fan is just take taking it too far and they're they're being abusive and uh outspoken because it's it's high school sports.
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As a parent, have you seen yourself where another parent might step in and say, hey, you need to you know bring it bring it down a little bit?
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You know, where I find a lot of it is mama bears.
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Mama bears want to protect their cubs, and I totally get it.
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And it took me a while for me to understand with some of those moms that are in the stands, um, and of course the dads too, but the moms, they're gonna protect their son if they get hit by a pitch, for instance, or uh, you know, the coach calls them out.
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The protective mode of a mama bear goes into full force.
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And uh, you know, I realize that um that's just part of the nature of sports.
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And I think all of the parents want to see their son succeed or daughter succeed, but the reality is that in baseball, as you know, you're gonna fail much more than you're gonna succeed.
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And so um I think as a male, as a as a male, if I saw another man, you know, uh disparaging to the coach and players, I would pull him aside.
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And I've done that before.
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With a female, you know, that's when you get into some really sticky waters.
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Yes, definitely.
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And uh, you know, and there are the parent out there, you know, you I've heard them called uh bulldozer parent or helicopter parent, and they they you know, they they want to bring them their Gatorade and uh or they'll carry their bags and or they just want them to not have to face adversity.
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And how do you how do you talk to a uh a parent?
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And you know, as a coach, you you have parent meetings and you're like, hey, you know, right, I'm not gonna talk about playing time.
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It this is how it's gonna be.
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And then oh season starts, everything's great during those team meetings, parent meetings, and then all of a sudden season starts and things get uh contentious, and you know, sometimes um, you know, it's it's tough because I've experienced uh just about any sport, and you'll run across uh coaches who are are walking away because they're just like I'm taking all my time away from my family and I'm pouring everything into this, and it's still not appreciated.
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And and there are some coaches that are you know not the best coaches, but for the most part, I'll defend coaches all the way to the grave that these guys are doing the best they can and doing everything they can to make the team succeed.
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Not necessarily just one player.
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What do you what do you say to to that?
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So I would always, you know, as a coach, talk to the actual player, um, because the player has so much more influence, they spend you know, much more time with the parents at dinner tables and events and you know, gatherings and things like that.
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They're with them, you know, obviously 80% of their lives, whereas on the field there may be a small percentage of that.
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If you, if as a coach, start to go after the parents, then I think you're missing the bridge.
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And the bridge is that child or that young person, that player.
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And if you can build into that player and give them a sense of leadership, not only on the field, but at home, they'll take it and they'll grow from that uh so that when they become an adult, those life experiences will really shine.
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Yes.
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And every coach I've come across talks about not necessarily wins and losses during the season.
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It's it's more about how they're going to help that player turn into a great citizen, a great dad, uh, you know, a great brother, a great son.
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And what has been a common thread that you find in dads who successfully transition versus those who struggle?
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Probably their own background.
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Maybe when they were a player, their dad harped on them all the time, and that's what this book talks about.
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Uh, maybe they just had a real tough upbringing.
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Maybe they had parents that always were on them, and they've just manifested that into their adulthood, and of course, that spills over into the coaching.
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So, you know, unfortunately, people are people and we're built differently.
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Um, we're all designed very uniquely.
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And I think you have to understand that when you're when you're a coach, you're putting yourself out there for exposure to all sorts of criticism, whether it's constructive criticism or demising criticism, and kind of going back to that that height of a rhinoceros, you really have to prepare your heart and your mind.
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And that and again, especially as you're coach season after season, because it doesn't get easier, especially as the players get older and you're involved with more underneath the lights, for instance, and you've got reporters and you've got possible scouting and so forth, it becomes very pressurized.
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Parents can have a positive and negative impact on their sons, and that's obvious.
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But when they're playing a sport, you know, in playing baseball, what's the line between being engaged and supportive and becoming a source of pressure or distraction?
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When you're not allowing the coach to work as a team in unity, uh it's like having a band, a 12-piece band.
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You have one member playing out of tune, it disrupts the entire musical, for instance.
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When you have a player that the the uh parents, for instance, are always that bone of contention, other players or teammates feel that, and other parents as well.
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And so, again, by pouring into the relationships with the players and you know, being upfront and honest.
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Of course, you can have the one-on-one with the parents, but I was all I would always have the player with with you in that regard.
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Um, and then maybe another coach just to back you up.
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But ultimately, you know, you're gonna have those parents that are just feel like they're above the law of coaching, and um you just have to realize that it's only for a short period of time.
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It might be a per season, two, three.
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Um, so eventually they'll filter out.
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And, you know, I think again, if you pour into the player, they'll be able to grow from it, and hopefully their parents will as well.
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As a coach myself, I always loved a parent that, you know, if you needed help with it, I uh at one point I coached 15 years at a rural school, Buckeye Valley, and I mean I field work day to start the season off was incredible.
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It looked like a construction crew showed up, and the the dads would bring all their equipment and just made the coach's life uh so much easier, you know.
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And but as a coach, you also had to realize that there are some parents that are going to give you everything they got, and you hope that uh they understand that when it comes time for deciding who goes in what position and what the lineup looks like, that they they understand.
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And it you know, to me, one of the hardest things I thought about coaching baseball was the time you had to sit down and write out that starting lineup.
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And you know, I I sometimes wonder if parents fully understand that that it's tough on a coach sometimes to that they they know that they're going to disappoint some parents, they're going to disappoint some players, and uh getting a player to understand that, hey, you know, my role in this team is going to be, hey, I'm if I'm needed to pinch run, or you know, maybe I'm just a relief pitcher.
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How do you, in your opinion, you know, how do you get parents to and players to uh to understand that?
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You know, I don't have the perfect answer.
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I wish I did.
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Uh that is definitely a question that plagues, you know, all teams from the little league level to professional level.
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Um, every player feels like they should be in that starting lineup, at least you hope they would.
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You know, I would I would say that uh those that are very competitive and have that leadership nature, they want to break that starting lineup.
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And parents want it for them.
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But I think the reality is the coach has the ultimate power and the say.
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And these parents really need to understand, even though they may say it's very political, um, if they can really see what the coach's true intentions are, uh hopefully they'll come alongside of it.
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But again, you are certainly not going to please all parents, that's for sure.
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There's no doubt about that.
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Well, many high school coaches, they have to deal with players who the the whole travel bowl thing that's going on in the world today is you know, they during the summer they they bat lead off, probably play shortstop pitch, and dad's coaching that travel team.
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But they don't have that same role for the high school team.
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And the best advice for parents, and even the player, I guess, for when they're sitting around that dinner table after the game's over, or even you know, if they're that freshman and they have to have that car ride home, because to me that determines a lot about the the player's success and love of the game.
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So as you know, you know, you start with a big funnel.
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When they're in little league, everybody plays.
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Everybody just you know gets grouped in there, and the coaches are generally gonna try to rotate them through.
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And you know, you're not gonna see talent really rise at a five-year-old level.
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You might, of course, but then as they progress, seven, eight, nine years old, now that funnel starts to narrow at the neck.
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Now you've got those players that just aren't gonna cut it, they're gonna start moving it to different directions.
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Then the funnel becomes very thin, especially when you get into high school, college, and of course, professional levels.
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Um, and that's with any sport, right?
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In any sport.
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And the reality of that in the baseball world is the best players are gonna play, and it may not be all about talent.
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Uh, one of the things that I learned being with the Denver Broncos is their team chiropractor was the leadership is behind the scenes, behind the doors.
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You don't see it as much on the the actual field, you see it in the locker room.
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And I think you have to understand that each player has an individual skill set, whether it's leadership, whether it's, of course, the physical part of it, the mental part of it.
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So uh if you have a 16-player team, for instance, each one of those players has an integral role.
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And if they know what their role is, there's this sense of confidence that they can bring back to the team again.
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When I you know, that kind of goes into I believe it was Herb Brooks talking about I'm not looking for the best players, I'm looking for the right ones.
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And um, you know, as a parent, how much does it help you that if a uh coach uh provides feedback and gives you like updates throughout their fall, winter workouts and then going into the season, because a lot of times coaches will sit down with a player and say, Hey, this is where I see you, and this is what you need to improve on.
00:23:51.519 --> 00:23:54.160
How much does that help uh as a parent?
00:23:54.240 --> 00:24:06.799
Because, like you said, you know, you you didn't get to go to the practices, and a lot of times that's the part that parents don't understand that you know they're not there to practice, they don't see what coaches are seeing every day.
00:24:07.119 --> 00:24:07.680
Right.
00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:13.680
Well, I think now at the technology age, you could even shoot a quick video.
00:24:13.920 --> 00:24:22.240
Uh, the player could use their phone, shoot the video of the coach, breaking it down into a 60-second elevator speech about some of the things that they appreciate.
00:24:22.319 --> 00:24:24.480
It's kind of like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
00:24:24.640 --> 00:24:27.680
You start off with, you know, all the positives.
00:24:27.920 --> 00:24:37.759
The jelly itself, the peanut butter and jelly is things to improve upon, but you always finish with that top piece of bread, which is again, but we're so glad to have you here.
00:24:37.920 --> 00:24:39.359
You're a big part of our team.
00:24:39.599 --> 00:24:55.359
So you kind of sandwich it in such a way that a parent can see the value that their child brings to the team, but also in that little little video, 60 second, 90-second video, they have something that they can share with the parents.
00:24:56.400 --> 00:25:19.039
Well, parents, I found that you know, regardless of how they act as a parent, and I've had, like I've told you over the phone before we did this, that uh, you know, every coach has a ton of stories that they can share, both positive and negative, about parent uh uh conversations, I guess you should say.
00:25:20.079 --> 00:25:22.240
And they they do things out of love.
00:25:22.400 --> 00:25:44.000
I I I found and um how do parents how do you get parents to quit living vicariously through their child and what can be done to turn the game over to the kid and for the parent to realize it's no longer about you, this is your your son's experience.
00:25:45.359 --> 00:25:49.680
Man, that is a journey, that is a journey for each and every patient uh parent, isn't it?
00:25:49.839 --> 00:25:54.640
It's uh something they have to kind of come to their own realization.
00:25:55.200 --> 00:26:08.559
Um, you know, you can dive into support groups and and things like that, but the reality is that not only do you have your players, but you have all of the families within the team itself.
00:26:08.720 --> 00:26:13.759
And I think doing regular functions, especially at the lower levels, is very, very important.
00:26:13.920 --> 00:26:21.200
Once you get to high school, that's uh obviously more challenging, but I still think there's some opportunities there throughout the season.
00:26:21.359 --> 00:26:33.359
Maybe you have two events per season where you're actually connecting as many family members, siblings together uh with some type of fun event that builds uh you know fun and leadership.
00:26:33.599 --> 00:26:42.400
So uh yeah, I just don't have an answer for why each an individual parent would, you know, feel like they're above the coach.
00:26:42.559 --> 00:26:46.240
And um, that's probably something that'll never change, to be honest.
00:26:46.559 --> 00:26:48.640
Yes, I I totally agree with you.
00:26:48.799 --> 00:27:01.680
But what do you say to the uh you know, just by starting this podcast nearly five years ago, I've had coaches that have coached USA baseball.
00:27:02.319 --> 00:27:24.160
You can't get any higher at the at that level than you know college or or professional ranks, but yet you get, I don't know, I I've heard a parent call the uh the mob that they're they're not happy with whatever happened with their son, and coaches are on a one-year contract in high school.
00:27:24.480 --> 00:28:00.799
And if you go to the right source, whether it's the athletic director, the principal, superintendent, I recently had a reporter on uh Jake Furr who talked about how a parent went to a board member because they worked for the same company, and next thing you know, you got one of the best coaches in the area, or even in the country, and he's he's out of a job, and he's they may have put 20, 30 years into that job as a coach just because mom or dad wasn't happy.
00:28:01.920 --> 00:28:02.559
Wow.
00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:08.960
It's a heartbreaking story, and I'm sure that is uh you know an every season occurrence, isn't it?
00:28:09.039 --> 00:28:16.799
I mean, it would be something that you look at it, and coaches are very special individuals, uh, whether it's male or female.
00:28:17.119 --> 00:28:19.759
They, like you said, volunteer their time.
00:28:19.920 --> 00:28:23.279
Of course, there's paid positions as you get into the higher level.
00:28:23.599 --> 00:28:27.200
But let's just talk about you know, high school and below.
00:28:27.359 --> 00:28:29.839
You know, these parents have day jobs, right?
00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:41.039
They uh they value relationships, they value bringing a team together in unity, and so they deserve a lot of grace.
00:28:41.519 --> 00:28:55.680
Unfortunately, um, there are people out there that might be just unhappy people, and uh, you know, they're gonna be unhappy and they're gonna always complain because that's just who they are in, you know, in inside.
00:28:56.000 --> 00:29:03.279
You just have to come to the realization that it's not about you, it's it's about them more than it is about you.
00:29:03.759 --> 00:29:14.240
Well, since you wrote the book and you've had a chance to talk with other parents about it, and uh you're getting, I'm sure you're getting a lot of great feedback in the books titled Outside the Fence.
00:29:15.119 --> 00:29:20.480
What did you get out of writing that book personally for you?
00:29:21.440 --> 00:29:41.359
Well, I think the stories that are inside of the pages of the book bring back a lot of memories from you know, different, you know, food that's brought into the the you know the stands and just the smells and the sounds and and also just the relationships that you have built.
00:29:41.519 --> 00:29:44.319
And sometimes these can be lifelong friendships.
00:29:44.559 --> 00:29:59.920
So the book is really, you know, involved in kind of creating the nostalgia that a lot of us may forget as we get older, our kids move on, they get married, um, and they're no longer involved in sports that we're really uh able to.
00:30:00.319 --> 00:30:06.880
To watch and so I think this book is something that can be read over and over again and just really put a smile on your face.
00:30:07.519 --> 00:30:17.119
Well, you you talk about you know the the impact that it had on you as a coach and the impact it has on the sons that play the game.
00:30:18.000 --> 00:30:31.440
What parents they pretty much um develop their son or daughter, you know, with with their actions, how they act, and how they are.
00:30:31.839 --> 00:30:37.839
What impact do you think high school coach had for your son?
00:30:38.240 --> 00:30:38.880
Yeah.
00:30:39.119 --> 00:30:48.640
I know my uh my for myself, coach uh Zamora out of Michigan Viejo, Capuchano Valley High School, I I think about him often.
00:30:48.880 --> 00:30:51.839
Um, you know, he was a uh a great leader.
00:30:51.920 --> 00:30:55.599
Um he was a coach that I'll never forget, to be honest with you.
00:30:55.759 --> 00:30:59.519
And I think my son would say the same thing about his coach as well.
00:30:59.759 --> 00:31:08.240
There was just something about both the my coach and his coach that invested in us as as people.
00:31:08.799 --> 00:31:11.039
And for me, I'll never forget it.
00:31:11.759 --> 00:31:12.319
Yes.
00:31:12.640 --> 00:31:17.680
Well, I always ask this of a guest when they come on the podcast, so I'm gonna hit I'm gonna hit you with it.
00:31:18.640 --> 00:31:20.640
Hate losing or love winning.
00:31:22.799 --> 00:31:24.559
Say that one more time, I apologize.
00:31:24.880 --> 00:31:27.039
Hate losing or love winning.
00:31:30.960 --> 00:31:32.960
I I do not like to lose.
00:31:34.799 --> 00:31:48.160
I play a lot of golf, a lot of pickleball, but I'm a good sport about it because ultimately, at the end of the day, what's on the back of your jersey, your name, is really what brings you character and you're representing your family.
00:31:48.480 --> 00:31:52.319
And you the the only thing that you've really got is your character.
00:31:52.400 --> 00:31:55.759
And once you lose your character, it's very hard to get it back.
00:31:55.920 --> 00:32:11.279
So even when I lose, I always try to congratulate the opponent or the player because I realize my day will come again, and um, if I dwell and and harbor ill feelings, I can't grow from that.
00:32:12.000 --> 00:32:12.559
Love that.
00:32:12.640 --> 00:32:14.559
That's great, that's great advice there.
00:32:14.880 --> 00:32:16.720
All right, here's one for you.